Feel Better, Okay?

Well this is weird.

 

I tried to hide this space deep inside the internet. But here we are again. I felt the need to talk it out. I didn’t want to talk about it all out again with my therapist or with my poor friends. But for me when everyone else is probably tired of hearing about what i’m talking about I start to hit a break through; what i’m saying finally starts to make sense to me. I don’t have anything profound to say other than i’m walking on the other side. The other side of the uncertainty. The other side of where I was when I left this space: I’m a little more grown up and a lot more medicated. I know that people don’t really blog anymore without trying to become an influencer. I don’t have a product or lifestyle to sell you. I do have thoughts, ideas, and bits of wisdom that i’ve been collecting. I don’t know that where I am is helpful to anyone out there but I do know that i’ve come a long way. Reflecting is sometimes the only way to see the progress. 

It’s harder to see when you’re deep into the fog of depression and to-do lists.

 

This is a space, like myself, I really wanted to take seriously. The more I thought of myself as a writer the harder it became to write. I don’t know what will happen here. Just like I don’t know where i’m going. I have an idea but I don’t have clear demands of myself other than to keep going. I’ve been feeling the pull to write (!!!) I’ve missed the feeling of pen to paper, eh? finger to keyboard just doesn’t have the same ring? Anyway,  I didn’t have the capacity to do it before the anti-depressants kicked in. I had a small nervous breakdown after getting out of a weird non-relationship thing. I was hospitalized; I was terrified; I was alone. I was leading this double life that added to me losing my voice. It made my writing weird and high pitched. I was also navigating my way through being a full time student, worker, and part time-full time mom. 

One month of doin’ the damn thing (anti-depressants!) This damn thing has caused a lot of extra anxiety and intense insomnia. I think this is how it’s supposed to go though. I would like to report though that I haven’t yelled at my kid in weeks! I haven’t cried for absolutely no reason and I haven’t…oh wait I did get too drunk in public a couple of times but hey! it’s not a miracle pill.

This is me saying I want to come back into a public space of writing with accountability. This is me saying I have things I want to talk to you about. I hope you’ll come back soon. Lets be friends. Lets work through the hard shit.

Here is my current favorite picture of me. Deal with it.

Waking Up

 

When I was twelve I transferred from a predominantly black/asian/latino middle school to a dominantly white school. I gravitated towards the black students and was routinely told that “I wanted to be black.” From an early age I was aware of the ignorance that came with living in a small town. I remember feeling so much bigger than the people around me because I considered myself above the racial prejudice. I remember my own mother telling me that white boys wouldn’t want to date me if I continued dating black boys. What she should have told me is “you don’t want to date anyone that harbors that kind of racism.” She meant well.

On Election day I spent hours in my bedroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t understand why I felt so defeated when I was so sure I was about to witness the first woman to become President of the United States. When I woke up the following day, I felt so many things: devastation, shock, grief, and disgust. The more I thought about it, the more I realized those emotions were not just about the reality we are facing as a country, but more to do with waking up to my own ignorance.

I was so blinded by own ignorance that I truly believed we were better than this. I scrolled through my social media feeds that proudly declared we were all fighting for equality, social justice, and change for the oppressed. I didn’t take into consideration that I don’t associate with outwardly racist, bigoted, and misogynistic human beings. I didn’t take into consideration that there are millions of people just like the ones I encountered in that small town all over the country; people that see progressive liberal actions as threatening to their white supremacy.

I think at this point we can all recognize that there are millions of people advocating for white supremacy. Surely you can’t deny that the media paints the Black Lives Matter movement as a hate group for fighting for justice, but doesn’t bat an eye when the KKK hold victory rallies for Trump. It has been widely pointed out that equality for all feels like oppression for those who have always benefited from a systematically racist system. If you don’t believe that, I ask you to consider who founded this system: rich, white, slave owning men. For those of you that might not understand: women and people of color were left out of the foundation of this country, weird that we still abide by those men’s beliefs, right?

Maybe not as weird as the amount of white educated woman who chose their whiteness over their womanhood during this election. It makes me question how many women have normalized sexual predators. It makes me wonder how many women allow men like Donald Trump to “grab them by the pussy” because they don’t know their own worth or because they don’t know they have the power to stop it.

I mostly question people who justify their vote for Donald Trump because of their Christianity. Separation of Church and State is a real thing but lets pretend for a second it’s okay to govern a country based on a religion that everyone doesn’t subscribe to, lets pretend for a second we don’t live in a country where freedom of religion, including the right to reject religion is law. I challenge anyone to tell me how Donald Trump represents your Christian values? Or does Donald Trump make you feel better about your shortcomings? Did your vote for Donald Trump have more to do with justifying your own hatred and fear for people who don’t look like you or subscribe to the same lifestyle as you? Was your vote for Donald Trump just a vote for keeping women’s rights controlled? Was your vote a vote against a woman’s right to choose? Did voting for someone with no political experience make you feel better about not being awake to what’s actually happening in this country? Were you more comfortable voting for a sexual predator with no political experience because you felt uncomfortable voting for a woman overly qualified for the position? Do you believe that her questionable actions in politics were more dangerous than a man who routinely sinks businesses at the expense of the working class people? A man who has never fought for anyone but himself. A man who routinely rates a woman’s worth based on their appearance.

In the days following the election I found myself wanting desperately to apologize for white people; to apologize over and over and over again to the people who are already struggling, who are looking at four years of war raged against them, but I am smart enough to know they don’t need my apology, they need me to educate myself on their oppression. They need me to hold onto this feeling of being awake to my own ignorance, they need me to talk to other white people about racism, prejudice, hatred, and what white people can do to change the system that fundamentally oppresses people who are not white because it is not up to the oppressed. It is not up to people of color to carry our torch. It is not up to them to comfort white people. It is up to you, white America, to wake the fuck up. Wake the fuck up and do something. It’s okay to be angry. Anger is an appropriate response. It’s okay to be angry with your countrymen and women. However, it is not okay to do nothing with that anger. Educate yourself, make conscious decisions about the companies you support, donate your time and money to organizations fighting for freedom and for worthy causes. Don’t ignore the facts.

 

If you have time please donate any amount of money to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pences name. More info here!

Weekend Edition: 10716

 

I’m pretty sure the only thing that gets me to bed at a decent hour is the promise of coffee when I wake up. This weekend i’m going to be braving the storm at Trader Joe’s. It’s going to be madness thanks to Hurricane Matthew. Anyone have any ideas about keeping both me and my three year old entertained? I feel myself struggling lately to find something we’re both interested in. Stay safe this weekend!

The New York Times book review of “HITLER: Ascent 1889-1939.” It’s horrific and well written. You’ll get it.

How To Talk To Kids About Race! I’ve been thinking a lot this year about how to talk to J about race. I want my son to grow up to be a white man who understands there is room at the table for people of all colors, ethnicities, and backgrounds.

I love the Obamas. I recently saw Michelle. It was the most incredible thing. She is strong, intelligent, and sassy as hell.

Just what I needed to hear about being in the middle. My writing and I are in the middle of our relationship. It’s hard. It takes a lot of work to keep this promise i’ve made with my writing.

Can’t wait to make this!  Is there anything better on an October day than a huge bowl of butternut squash and goat cheese?!

It’s Fine, I’m Fine

I’ve been feeling exceptionally overwhelmed lately but I’m not exactly sure why.

I took this semester off from school to give myself a “break,” but honestly I feel even more exhausted without school. I’ve been questioning myself a lot lately, and evaluating how I feel in certain situations, how other people make me feel, and more particularly how I feel about myself in those situations or around those people.

I decided to make of list of what I think I need. I decided if I can’t name the thing that is wrong, then I can make changes until it becomes clear. Or maybe it won’t become clear? but I might have a few more dollars in my bank account?

1. Eat well. I know this probably made you roll your eyes but it is so important. Full disclosure: I’ve been eating pizza almost every single day. Pizza is awesome, even if it’s covered in veggies, but my body needs better.
2. A day to really clean my room. Mostly I mean give everything away.
3. More water, less caffeine. lol. No really! I’m going to try!
4. Try to go at least an hour a day without talking to anyone. I don’t know why this feels important? maybe because it’s my job to talk to people, or because I have to talk to a three year old about the same three topics?
5. Read Swing Time. Zadie Smith is a queen. The book hasn’t been released but i’m on the list at our local library. Carrie Brownstein approved.
6. Stop buying shit I don’t need. Which brings me back to number three. I can’t afford my addiction. Water is free basically everywhere.
7. Pack my lunch everyday. No Exceptions. This compliments numbers 1 and 6.
8. Go see a movie. Here’s looking at you, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them! 
9. Buy a new pair of jeans. None of mine fit and I’m positive it will change my life. (JEANS ARE TOTALLY SHIT I NEED)
10. Listen more. I’m a talker, who cares? I’ve been trying to be more conscious in what I talk about. I genuinely feel good when I feel heard or understood. I want to give more people that same satisfaction.

We’ll see how it goes. I’m not necessarily sharing this for accountability, though it’s always good to have. I’m sharing this so maybe you can take some time to ask yourself questions. Self care matters: How you feel about yourself and the world around you, matters.

The picture above are cards given to me by a best friend of mine during a wild game of “Girl Talk.” You remember that game right?! These cards are basically how she would describe me. It’s important to surround yourself with people who see you.

It’s also really important to make lists.

The Fox Reads: Summer Reading List

I make it a goal to read at least two books a month. This summer I haven’t been so successful. I decided to take steps to read more; I turned off my data for most apps so while in public i’m forced to pull out a book (no one can afford data overages anyway.) I stocked my bedside table with a couple favorites and a few books i’ve been meaning to read. I joined a book club, and even co-founded a book club! (more details about that later!) I brushed off my library card because Amazon was getting wayyyy too much of my money. I even downloaded a few books to my phone.

Here’s to finishing the Summer reading list strong.

Infinite Jest is probably also going to be on the Fall reading list too. It’s fine.

What are you reading?

 

Summer Reading List

Sweet bitter by Stephanie Danler

The Flamethrowers by Rachel Kushner

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

Infinite Jest  by David Foster Wallace (it’s AMAZING BUT SO DENSE)

Shrill by Lindy West (!!)

Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman (half way there!)

The Girls by Emma Cline

Cursed Child by J.k Rowling

Seven Things I Can’t Stop Obsessing Over

Almost THREE years ago I wrote a post called 7 Things I can’t Stop Obsessing Over. It’s still one of my favorite posts because it’s all mostly relevant to me today. Here’s an updated version of that list.

Honorable Mentions: Chrissy Tegan and John legend, female friendship and this song.

1. Sooo Many White Guys: In April I decided I want to start a podcast. I took a class and decided to take advantage of the previously annoying, un-deletable, “Podcast” App on my phone. I was instantly hooked on 2 Dope Queens, which lead me to the new series Sooo Many White Guy; Which stars comedian and co-host of 2DQ, Phoebe Robinson. The show features authors, artists, musicians, and other comedians: best part? none of them are white! Why do I love that? It paints an accurate picture of our culture; not the white washed media that seems to mean “mainstream.” It’s hilarious, smart, and in my humble opinion, groundbreaking.
   

   
2. Lenny Letter: It’s no secret that I love politics, feminism, or writing in general. Lenny Letter is an online newsletter created by Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner. Lenny Letter was part of the reason I started this blog: to write about issues and other things that mattered to me. Twice a week two letters are dropped into your inbox. The interviews are smart and entertaining. The illustrations are always beautiful and interesting.
3. Charlotte Agenda: Okay, seriously if you live in Charlotte go directly to CharlotteAgenda.com and subscribe to their e-mail! It’s the best part of waking up! I obsess over the quick updates on what’s going on around Charlotte. CA gives insights on what’s going on by neighborhood, new restaurants, and local issues that matter. Katie Levans is basically my internet best friend. 
4. Stranger Things: Last week I watched eight hours of this show in one day. If you follow me on Snapchat you are more than aware of the emotions I felt during the show. Winona Ryder is a picture perfect single mother because she is unapologetically imperfect and maybe crazy. While working a long night shift, her son Will, goes missing. You meet Wills perfect latchkey best friends who stop at nothing to find their friend. It’s the perfect combination of 80’s nostalgia and si-fi. Of course there are SO MANY QUESTIONS but I don’t want to spoil anything.
   

   

   

   

   

   
5. Wooden Robot: I recently went to Wooden Robot for a friends birthday and I was immediately obsessed. It was a Saturday night so the place was packed and honestly i’m not confident enough to walk around casually taking pictures for the blog. Charlotte is home to many amazing breweries but this one really caught my eye with it’s gorgeous artwork displayed through out, cool open space, and stellar view of the Queen City. If you’re around South End, LETS GO!
6. Sweet bitter: I cannot say enough about this book. Stephanie Danler nailed what 22 feels like. The novel focuses on 22 year old, Tess, who moved to NYC to find her place. She gets a job working at a well-known restaurant, moves to Brooklyn, and does a lot of coke. She makes an argument for unapologetically doing exactly what you have to do to find yourself: make mistakes and meet people who push you into exactly who you are. Stephanie Danler featured my Instagram pic on her Instagram and I lost my shit. (A great read for anyone who loves food and wine)I DIED AND SENT A SCREENSHOT TO MY BEST FRIEND.

7.Three Amigos: Tacos. All the tacos. All the time. Three Amigos on Central Ave is hands down the best Mexican food in Charlotte.

 

Black Lives Matter

I decided to post this because: “If you are neutral in situations of injustice you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”

Today I received a message after posting a picture that said “A black man is killed & the media prints out prior records. A white teen rapes a girl & media prints his swim times. #AltonSterling.”

The message was heartfelt, genuine, and came from a place of love from one friend to another. Did I agree with the message? No. Do I still love my friend? Of course.

Alton Sterling may have had a criminal record, but is that any excuse to be murdered? Does being a criminal justify being shot and killed by a police officer when he presented no immediate danger to these cops? A police officer who’s body cam mysteriously fell off before the shooting? The truth is that a single bullet stands between a black person becoming a hashtag. How disgusting is that?

This message stated that these crimes (white cops shooting unarmed black men) are more complex than the narrative told by the public forum. This person gave warning not to necessarily trust because of my political beliefs. I agree. But I don’t agree with the spin this friend was giving. No, the public forum doesn’t accurately represent Americas crystal clear history of dehumanizing, branding, targeting, and abusing black people. The public forum doesn’t accurately represent Trayvon Martin, Sandra Bland, Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice; All black people shot by police offers, in which the police officers were not convicted. Innocent people killed by the hands of those sworn to protect. The public forum that so excitedly celebrated Americas 240th birthday at the beginning of the week failed to mention that this country was founded by slave owning politicians. Salves that were brought back from Africa after thousands of years of European explorers slaughtering and raping Africans; thousands of years of burying and stealing an entire history of people. The public forum doesn’t include that the Emancipation Proclamation didn’t come into effect until 153 years ago. The public forum fails to include that it wasn’t until 1954 that blacks and whites could be taught in the same schools (and don’t even get me started on the topic of quality of education given to blacks and whites because it’s alarming.) The public forum fails to remember that it wasn’t until 1964, 52 years ago, that The Civil Rights Act of 1964 (Pub.L. 88–352, 78 Stat. 241, enacted July 2, 1964)  a landmark piece of Civil Rights legislation in the United States that outlawed discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin. The public forums failed to remember this Independence day that not long ago, blacks weren’t allowed to drink at the same water fountains or go to the same bathrooms as whites. “Separate but equal,” right?

I’m sure you’re like what does this shot of history have to do with Alton Sterling?

Circumstances rarely change until something like the Alton Sterling shooting happens. Not because it’s the first time, but because it’s so common, many people don’t think twice when it happens.

It wasn’t until Martin Luther King Jr, Malcom X, Angela Davis, Rosa Parks, and countless others stood up and said “ENOUGH.” Organizations like the Black Lives Matter movement are crucial in continuing this march for equality. It isn’t until enough people stand together against injustice that lives begin to change. The Black Lives Matter movement matters because it is clear that black lives do not matter in this country. People have claimed that the protesters are violent but the echos of being beaten and hosed down and killed remain deep within their bones.  I don’t believe that taking one life for another brings peace or freedom. I do believe that our government has to act in favor of the oppressed. A fundamental flaw with BLM is a lack of clear leadership. Protests cannot be turned into violent cop killing sprees.

So back to the message sent to me today: This person made a point to include that 4,472 black men have killed other black men. (A source was never presented to me, but hey, I’ll trust them.) Does that deserve acknowledgement? Absolutely, but Black communities are not unaware of Black on Black crime. Right now we’re starting a conversation about systematic racism. This is the equivalent to saying “All Lives Matter.” BLM is not saying “Black lives matter, only” they’re saying “Black Lives Matter, too.” We’re talking about the systematic racism that keeps more black men in jail, than white men for committing the same crime. This systematic racism that calls for black mothers to teach their children how to behave in a way that wouldn’t single them out.

This persons message also included Jesus. They said, “Jesus wasn’t simply a conservative or a liberal. He wasn’t trendy.” These events have nothing to do with conservative or liberal views; These murders are about fundamental racism, prejudice, and hatred. If fighting for the safety, equal opportunity to walk down the street without fear, and justice for those who have been tragically taken away is trendy, then by all means, let me follow the crowd. Wild guess but i’m going to say that Jesus would not tolerate hate or injustice. I believe Jesus weeps for those killed and for the families that are left in the middle. And to be clear, I don’t believe the media one time questioned or mentioned the murdered individuals political affiliation.

Since we’re talking about Jesus, we might as well bring up the NRA! Philando Castile had a permit for the gun he was carrying, let the officer know this information, and his life was still taken away. Just incase anyone didn’t know that detail: sometimes following the law doesn’t keep you alive, crazy?

How many more black people have to die? How many more black children have to live in fear? How many more black women have to live in fear of their child or husband not coming home? How “trendy” does something have to be before we stand together and change a system built to divide?

I would like to leave you with this passage from Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech. It’s one of my favorite passages off all time; packed full of symbolism, power, and love.

“Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we’ve come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we’ve come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the “unalienable Rights” of “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.”

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we’ve come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.”

Reflections are a lot like a Taylor Swift song

I turn twenty three tomorrow. I’m saying goodbye to my “Taylor Swift” year and entering into my “Jordan” year. Like most people, my birthday calls for reflection of the last year, who I am, and of course where I hope the next year takes me.

This last year has been a true test of self. I’ve been looking at lists, or rather mandates, of things that I should know or do by the time I’m 23. Truly, I haven’t done many of the things, BUT I did make a homemade cheesecake AND kinda sorta potty trained my kid.

I didn’t go on an exotic vacation but I did get to make trips to see my best friends. In the last year I’ve watched my son grow into a hilarious, BRILLIANT, and beautiful toddler. I got to clock in and out of the best job I could ask for at twenty two. I met people that inspired me with stories, new songs, and endless glasses of wine. I learned i’m an excellent cook as long as I can read a recipe. I’ve let go of things that should have been rid of long before twenty two. I accepted that it’s okay that i’m not who I thought I would be.

Bernie and I

I think one of the biggest lessons I learned/re-learned this year is to stop fucking apologizing for being myself. I won’t apologize for talking a lot (or sometimes not at all,) I won’t apologize for being a working mom in school full time. I won’t apologize for not settling. But I also learned I will definitely make apologies when I hurt the people I love. I will apologize for being late or burning the pizza. I send endless thanks to the people who have been there for me. Thanks to my parents who go above and beyond for me, to my friends who listen to the same shit over and over again, to my managers and coworkers that deal with me when i’m less than rested, and to the teacher that taught me so much. I could never thank you guys enough. I love you. You all make my life abundantly happier and worth living.

I had sushi once a week, I seriously supported Bernie Sanders, and of course had a lot of coffee. I was introduced to The National and John Oliver (not IRL obviously.) I decided it’s definitely okay to wear crop tops in the dead of winter, and that it’s probably time to start investing in my “adulting” wardrobe.

This year I learned a lot about what i’m capable of doing, when it’s okay to say no, and really that kindness goes a very long way. Good things take time, and I am a really good thing; It’s okay to give myself room to say stupid shit, and to maybe obsess over the wrong things because even mistakes are worth living for. I don’t pretend that I have it all figured out but the last twenty two years haven’t been for nothing.

My Bon Appetempt’s Big New York Cheesecake

Best Books: Station Eleven, Sweetbitter, 10% Happier, Ishmael, French Kids Eat Everything, and The Folded Clock.

Best Songs: Slow Show, Song for Zula, Fool for Love, and EVERYTHING THAT WAS THE PERFECTION OF BEYONCÈ’S LEMONADE.

Here are several mostly unedited pictured of 22.

Value v.s Validation

 

I’ve been reading a book called “Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear,” by Elizabeth Gilbert. You might have read her book “Eat, Pray, Love.” I didn’t read it but millions of people have. In Big Magic, she talks about how she knew she was meant to write but never set out to write a best seller. She expresses that she wrote the book in a time when her life made no sense, and only knew to turn to the creative process to sort through her shit. This was interesting to me. It was interesting to me because when she stopped trying to validate herself, or prove something to someone, the universe gave her gold.

So far one of my favorite quotes is “Do whatever brings you to life, then. Follow your own fascinations, obsessions, and compulsion. Trust them. Create whatever causes a revolution in your heart.” I’ve been thinking a lot about what causes a revolution in my own heart. Some days it’s making the perfect cup of coffee, other days it’s a story falling out of my pen. I’ve also been thinking a lot about fear: Is everyone afraid? Am I capable of being afraid and being brave at the same time? How many times do I have to over think something before I just decide to go after what I want? What if I put in all of this work and nothing works out? What if it does work?

Another quote that I love is, “If people don’t like what you’re creating, just smile at them sweetly and tell them to go make their own fucking art.” I laughed out loud because that is basically the motto, am I right? I realized that it doesn’t matter if it all works out, and it doesn’t matter if anyone sees my work as worth it. It doesn’t matter if i’m afraid, i’m going to do the work anyway. If someone notices, cool, if they don’t, oh well.

I took seven classes this past semester so I could graduate; Seven classes plus all the other things I do. I worked really hard, lost a lot of sleep, and felt more like myself than I had in a long time. I put in the work without trying to validate myself as a woman or as a mother or as a student or an employee and guess what; the universe gave me gold.

I gained really important friendships, a stronger work ethic, and the ability to smile kindly when someone told me I looked tired….again.

I guess what i’m getting at is, it’s good to remind yourself that whatever life you’re creating for yourself only matters if you see the value in it. The work only matters if you love it. If you don’t like what you’re doing then figure something else out. Just keep working, keep hustling, and keep reminding yourself that you’re worth it.

Don’t stand in place, keep moving.

 

The One with the Truth

 

 

I let silence fall into this space for a few months now for many reasons. I took some time to look over my posts just to realized I didn’t recognize my own voice. Most of my words felt like I was forcing readers to have a false perception of me and my life. I suppose that is the illusion of most things on the internet. The original heart of this blog was to be a space bubbling with stories, ideas, and many many pictures of my Fox. I wanted to give my thoughts about life, politics, parenthood, and Mindy Kailing. Honestly, just a place away from Facebook to share my life with friends and family.

I didn’t know how to talk about what was really happening in my life. I didn’t know how to write the words that I needed to get out of my head. I was afraid that they would hurt someone (or lots of someones.) I was afraid of my own truth. I was afraid of admitting that I was losing my mind.

I guess it’s time to say that I am now moving through my life as a single parent. I couldn’t talk about my marriage ending because there was so much to say that I couldn’t explain. How are we supposed to talk about divorce?

I turned to my favorite songs, comedians, and friends to comfort me but also remind me of myself.

Amy Poehler said it best, “imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air. The process of divorce is about loading that blanket, throwing it up, and watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands.” It has been a lot like that.

I’d like to say things have been smooth. It’s hard. Single parenting is hard no matter how many other hands there are to help. I lost my best friend but I like to think that I’ve gained a new perspective. I realize how valuable he is, and how sometimes the best thing you can do for the person you love, is to let them go so maybe they have a shot at loving them self.

As far as the Fox, he knows things are different, he doesn’t understand, but he’s getting really good at Facetime. We are still a family, doing whatever is best for our babe. We are sharing custody of J, trying to give him the happiest two homes possible. We are figuring it out.

a rare selfie to remind myself that i’m alive as long as there’s coffee